Random Quotes
The title says it all.
Feel free to comment random quotes from movies, TV shows, whatever.
I would ask that you post your favourite bash.org quotes under the Bash.org post I made earlier.
When you comment, please say where the quote is from, if you can remember.
posted by Wef at 10:39 PM|
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128 Comments:
Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick: Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.
From the Blackadder TV series.
10:48 PM
Blackadder: "Something is always wrong, Balders. The fact that I am not a millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle.
Same again.
10:49 PM
I have come up with a plan so cunning that if it were alive, you could call it a weasel.
And again.
10:51 PM
[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]
Baldrick: I'm glad to say you won't be needing that pill, Mr. B.
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: They certainly are.
Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick: We do nothing...
Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater.
Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder: And then we... spring into action?
And yet again.
10:52 PM
Hell, I should have made this a Blackadder quote post.
10:53 PM
The list is endless.
10:53 PM
Time for a change of scene:
"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"
Flying High (a.k.a. Airplane)
10:58 PM
Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
9:12 PM
Bernard: [phone rings] Manny? Manny, phone. Manny.
[sigh]
Bernard: Oh, I'll get it, shall I?
[picks up]
Bernard: Hello?
Manny: [on phone] Bernard?
Bernard: Manny. Where are you? The phone's been ringing.
9:12 PM
Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...
Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.
9:12 PM
Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
9:13 PM
Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
9:13 PM
Bernard: [selling a book] Enjoy. It's dreadful, but quite short.
9:14 PM
Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taveria in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.
9:15 PM
The last seven are Black Books quotes.
3:02 PM
I'm gonna make a quote very soon
6:00 PM
sorry for his, i know it's a little weird but it is a memorbale quote of jibber jabber for me.
Grandpa Joe: What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?
Willy Wonka: Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if -- and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy -- "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera... "Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera... "Memo bis punitor delicatum"! It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!
4:01 PM
Hilarious... for some
4:02 PM
Now... onto some Fawlty Towers quotes
4:02 PM
Basil: Oh, (you're) German! I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you.
4:12 PM
German: Will you stop talking about the war!
Basil: Me? You started it!
German: We did not start it.
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland...
4:15 PM
Basil: Can't we get you on Mastermind, Sybil? Next contestant - Sybil Fawlty from Torquay, special subject the bleedin' obvious.
Hahaha, John Cleese (Basil) is hilarious.
P.S For most of these it's tons better if you actually here it
4:18 PM
Basil: I'll put an ad in the papers. Wanted, kind home for enormous savage rodent. Answers to the name of Sybil.
This is great, i haven't heard some of this in ages... i have to post more cause they are all classics.
4:21 PM
I know this has already been posted.... BUT THE TEMPTATIONS!!!
Minstrel: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...
8:07 PM
Have to include this as well, also from Monty Python And the Holy Grail:
French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
8:09 PM
Here's the other song from the smae movie:
Knights of Camelot: [singing] We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It's a busy life in Camelot
[solo]
Knights of Camelot: I have to push the pram a lot.
5:57 PM
King of Swamp Castle: Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who.
5:57 PM
Large Man with Dead Body: Who's that then?
The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body: Why?
The Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.
5:58 PM
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?
5:59 PM
King Arthur: One, two, five!
Sir Galahad: Three sir!
King Arthur: THREE!
5:59 PM
Sir Bedevere: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
King Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
6:00 PM
King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.
6:00 PM
Roger the Shrubber: Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
King Arthur: Um, yes.
Roger the Shrubber: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.
King Arthur: Did you say shrubberies?
Roger the Shrubber: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies
6:01 PM
King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride's father, you know.
Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?
6:02 PM
King of Swamp Castle: Guards, make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
Guard #1: Not to leave the room... even if you come and get him.
Guard #2: [hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle: No, no. *Until* I come and get him.
Guard #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no. You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave.
Guard #1: And you'll come and get him.
Guard #2: [hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle: Right.
Guard #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
King of Swamp Castle: No, no. *Leaving* the room.
Guard #1: Leaving the room, yes.
King of Swamp Castle: All right?
Guard #2: [hiccups]
Guard #1: Right. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we... oh, if... oh...
King of Swamp Castle: Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?
Guard #2: [hiccups]
Guard #1: Oh, I remember, uh, can he leave the room with us?
King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no, no, you just keep him in here, and make sure...
Guard #1: Oh yeah, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him...
King of Swamp Castle: No, just keep him in here...
Guard #1: Until you, or anyone else...
King of Swamp Castle: No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard #1: Just you.
Guard #2: [hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle: Get back.
Guard #1: Get back.
King of Swamp Castle: All right?
Guard #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
King of Swamp Castle: And make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1: What?
King of Swamp Castle: Make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1: The prince?
King of Swamp Castle: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1: Oh, yes, of course.
[Points at Guard #2]
Guard #1: I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me I were to guard him when he's a guard.
King of Swamp Castle: Is that clear?
Guard #2: [hiccups]
Guard #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
King of Swamp Castle: Right.
[King of Swamp Castle turns to leave the room, both guards follow him]
King of Swamp Castle: Where are you going?
Guard #1: We're coming with you.
King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no. I want you to stay here and make sure *he* doesn't leave.
Guard #1: Oh, I see. Right.
6:03 PM
[Concorde has just been shot in the chest with an arrow bearing a message]
Concorde: Message for you, sir.
6:04 PM
Knight 1: ...You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... WITH... A HERRING!
6:04 PM
And now moving on to Life of Brian...
6:06 PM
Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg: Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea
6:07 PM
Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace - shut up!
Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter: Uh, well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.
6:07 PM
[a line of prisoners files past a jailer]
Coordinator: Crucifixion?
Prisoner: Yes.
Coordinator: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
[Next prisoner]
Coordinator: Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky: Er, no, freedom actually.
Coordinator: What?
Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Coordinator: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Coordinator: [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
6:07 PM
Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, fuck off!
[silence]
Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
6:08 PM
Brian: Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say.
The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
Man in crowd: I'm not...
The Crowd: Sh!
6:09 PM
Judith: [on Stan's desire to be a mother] Here! I've got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb - which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans' - but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother... sister, sorry.
Reg: What's the *point*?
Francis: What?
Reg: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?
Francis: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg: It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.
6:10 PM
Brian: What will they do to me?
Ben the Prisoner: Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian: CRUCIFIXION?
Ben the Prisoner: Yeah, first offense.
6:13 PM
Lead Singer Crucifee: [singing] Life's a piece of shit when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke; it's true.
6:13 PM
Now... onto the meaning of Life.
(Singing)
Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown, and things seem hard
or tough.
and people are stupid, obnoxious or daft,
and you feel that you've had quite enouuuuuuuuugh...
Just
re-member that your standing on a planet that's evolving,
and revolving at nine hundred miles an hour...
That's orbiting at ninety miles a second, so it's reckoned,
the sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
are moving at a million miles a day.
in an outer spiral-arm at forty thousand miles an hour
of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars,
it's a hundred thousand lightyears side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand lightyears thick,
but out by us it's just three thousand lightyears wide.
We're thirty thousand lightyears from galactic central point,
we go 'round every two hundred million years.
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions,
in this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
in all of the directions it can whiz.
As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light you know;
twelve million miles a minute, that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember when your feeling very small and insecure,
how amazingly unlikely is your birth,
and pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'cause there's bugger-all down here on earth!
11:21 PM
Hahahaha, The meaning of Life is filled with some of the best songs...
Noel Coward: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.
[singing]
Noel Coward: Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick. So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake, Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons. You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public, Or they will stick you in the dock, And you won't come back.
11:25 PM
I should include the end of the film...
[the End Of The Film]
Lady Presenter: Well, that's the end of the film. Now, here's the meaning of life.
[Receives an envelope]
Lady Presenter: Thank you, Brigitte.
[Opens envelope, reads what's inside]
Lady Presenter: M-hmm. Well, it's nothing very special. Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. And, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which, it seems, is the only way, these days, to get the jaded, video-sated public off their fucking arses and back in the sodding cinema. Family entertainment? Bollocks. What they want is filth: people doing things to each other with chainsaws during tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats. Where's the fun in pictures? Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music. Goodnight.
11:27 PM
CHANGE OF SCENE ONCE AGAIN... here are a few austin powers ones...
11:29 PM
Scott Evil: It's no hassle...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: All I'm say...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: There gonna get a...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm just...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: Would...
Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock.
Scott Evil: Who's there?
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.
11:31 PM
Dr. Evil: Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to my underground Lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet, each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, and when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset people DIE!
11:31 PM
Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat!
Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell?
Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat.
11:32 PM
Quartermaster Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.
Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.
11:32 PM
and lastly tonight... i think i might add some Pirates of the Carribean Quotes
11:33 PM
Tia Dalma: Davey Jones cannot make port, cannot step on land but once every ten years. Land is where you are safe Jack Sparrow. And so you will carry land with you.
[hands Jack a jar of dirt]
Jack Sparrow: Dirt. This is a jar of dirt.
Tia Dalma: Yes.
Jack Sparrow: Is the jar of dirt going to help?
Tia Dalma: If ya don't want it. Give it back.
Jack Sparrow: [turns away, hugging jar to his chest] No.
Tia Dalma: Then it helps.
11:34 PM
ahhh oh m god this is my favourite so im going to end with this.
Jack Sparrow: [to Norrington] You look bloody awful. What are you doing here?
Norrington: You hired me. I can't help it if your standards are lax.
Jack Sparrow: You smell funny.
11:35 PM
Back to Monty Python: And Now For Something Completely Different
British Soldiers: Wenn ist das Nurnstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Feierhund das oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
6:53 PM
Absolutely no idea what that means, but apparently Germans do.
6:54 PM
Hungarian man: [consulting phrase book] I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Tobacconist: What?
Hungarian man: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Tobacconist: No, no, this is a tobacconist.
Hungarian man: Ah! I will not buy this tobacconist, *it* is scratched!
Tobacconist: No, no, tobacco... cigarettes.
Hungarian man: Cigarettes? Ya ya.
[consulting phrase book]
Hungarian man: Ah... my hovercraft is full of eels.
Tobacconist: What?
Hungarian man: My hovercraft is full of eels.
Tobacconist: Matches?
Hungarian man: Ya ya! Do you want... do you want... to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Tobacconist: That will be six shillings, please.
Hungarian man: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me... I am no longer infected.
6:55 PM
Announcer: These rabbits have been carefully staked to the ground, so they won't move around as much, as this is only a one-day event.
6:56 PM
Announcer: In 1945, peace broke out.
One of my favourites.
6:56 PM
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6:57 PM
Woah, spazness...
7:00 PM
Bevis: I didn't want to do this, you know. I wanted to be a lumberjack!
Mr. Praline: Yes, this is irrelevant.
Bevis: Yes! A lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The smell of fresh cut timber! The giant redwood! The larch! The fir! The mighty Scots pine! With my best girlie by my side, we'd sing... sing... sing!
[sings]
Bevis: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK/I sleep all night and I work all day.
Mounties Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory/On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory/On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea./He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers/I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press widlflowers.
[uneasily]
Mounties Chorus: He puts on... women's... clothing? And hangs around... in... bars?
[bright as ever]
Mounties Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra/I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he wears... high... heels? Suspenders? And a... bra? Ugghhh...
[they storm off]
Bevis: I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!
Best Girl: Oh, Bevis! And I thought you were so butch!
7:00 PM
Mr. Praline: Mt. Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb. It's rather steep till it gets to the top but then it starts to slope away rather sharply...
7:00 PM
Self-Defense teacher: Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. First, you force him to drop the banana. Then, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless!
Self-Defense student #2: Suppose he's got a bunch?
Self-Defense teacher: SHUT UP!
Self-Defense student #4: Suppose he's got a pointed stick?
Self-Defense teacher: ...SHUT UP!
7:01 PM
Customer: [walks into pet store] Uh, excuse me, miss?
Owner: [looks up] What'd you mean "miss"?
Customer: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I... I have a cold.
7:01 PM
Is the "I have a cold" line just random, or is there some deeper joke that I'm missing?
7:02 PM
[after attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on]
Barf: Oh! That's gonna leave a mark.
7:15 PM
That was from Spaceballs, a hilarious movie. Here's some more:
Yogurt: Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower.
[turns it on]
Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink: Ooooh!
Yogurt: [reacts to dinks] The kids love this one.
[a dink hands him a doll that looks likes Yogurt]
Yogurt: And last but not least, Spaceballs the doll, me.
[pulls string]
Doll: May the schwartz be with you!
Yogurt: [kisses the doll] Adorable.
7:16 PM
Barf: It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that we've got this thing about death... It's not us!
7:18 PM
Megamaid Guard: What the hell are you doing?
Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Megamaid Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
[Lone Star changes hand position]
Lone Starr: Like this?
Megamaid Guard: Yeah!
[guard falls to the ground]
Lone Starr: Thanks.
7:19 PM
Barf: I know we need the money, but...
Lone Starr: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right.
7:20 PM
Lone Starr: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.
7:20 PM
Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!
[camera moves in closer and closer during his dialog until it smashes into Dark Helmet and knocks him out]
7:20 PM
Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?
7:21 PM
Self-Destruct Voice: [aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.
7:21 PM
[Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching Spaceballs (1987), the movie]
Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!
7:21 PM
[Skroob, Helmet, and Sanders reach the cancellation button]
Dark Helmet: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!
7:22 PM
Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
7:22 PM
[Princess Vespa has been given a gun]
Princess Vespa: I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns.
[her hair gets singed by a laser]
Princess Vespa: My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
[begins blasting]
7:23 PM
Yogurt: And may the schwartz be with you!
7:23 PM
Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse!
7:23 PM
[Shows shot of troops dragging enormous combs through desert]
Colonel Sandurz: Sir, do you think we're being too literal?
Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
7:24 PM
[Mega-Maid's computer counts down to self-destruct]
Self-Destruct Voice: Ten... nine... eight... six...
President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
Self-Destruct Voice: Just kidding! Seven... six... five... four... three... two... one... have a nice day.
President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: Thank you.
7:25 PM
Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed.
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
Colonel Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.
7:26 PM
Princess Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf!
Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister! This is a Mercedes!
7:26 PM
Colonel Sandurz: They must have hyperjets on that thing.
Dark Helmet: And what do we have on this thing? A cuisinart?
7:26 PM
This one is a bit spaz and I think it's better if you actually watch it:
[Watching tape of 'Spaceballs' (note that this quote is from 'Spaceballs', so it's kinda spazzed. Think of it as them watching the movie that they're in and currently filming.]
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now, now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then!
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
Video Operator: Sir!
[Dark Helmet has becomed far too confused and everyone now ignores him even though he's center screen]
Dark Helmet: What?
Video Operator: We've identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?
7:30 PM
Yogurt: I am the keeper of a greater power, a power known throughout the universe as the...
Barf: ...the Force?
Yogurt: No, the Schwartz!
7:30 PM
Lone Starr: We gotta get moving before dawn.
Barf: Why so early?
Lone Starr: Because we're in the middle of a desert and we're not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.
[screen dissolves into a shot of the blazing sun overhead, with Lone Starr and Barf still slightly visible]
Barf: Nice dissolve.
7:31 PM
President Skroob: As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumor myself. Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Bye-bye.
[hangs up]
President Skroob: Shithead.
7:31 PM
Princess Vespa: I can see it all now.
[turns to King Roland]
Princess Vespa: Can't you see he loves me?
Minister: Excuse me! I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love, so please be quiet!
King Roland: I'm sorry.
Princess Vespa: I'm sorry.
Prince Valium: I'm sorry.
Minister: Don't be sorry, be quiet!
Princess Vespa, King Roland, Prince Valium: [shouts] Sorry!
7:32 PM
Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many asholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!
7:33 PM
[Dark Helmet and Lone Starr are fighting. As they are fighting, Dark Helmet takes a swing with his saber at L.S. L.S. ducks and Dark Helmet ends up cutting down a movie crewman. Both D.H and L.S. stare for a moment]
Dark Helmet: Ummmm... He did it.
[points to L.S]
Lone Starr: What, I did not!
7:34 PM
Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!
7:35 PM
Dark Helmet: We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
[to two white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: Found anything yet?
Henchmen: Nothing sir!
[to two more white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: How bout you?
Henchmen: Not a thing sir!
[to two black henchmen with a giant pick]
Dark Helmet: What about you guys?
Henchmen: Man, we ain't found shit!
7:36 PM
Dark Helmet: Why are we always "preparing"? Just go.
Colonel Sandurz: Just go.
7:37 PM
[first title card]
Title Card: Once upon a time warp...
Title Card: In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away there lived a ruthless race of beings known as... Spaceballs. - Chapter Eleven - The evil leaders of Planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from theyr peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia. - Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above... - If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
7:37 PM
Dark Helmet: [as the ship is going into ludicrous speed] Colonel, stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first!
Dark Helmet: BULLSHIT!
7:38 PM
[watching himself crash into the ship's console while fast-forwarding through Spaceballs: The Movie video cassette]
Dark Helmet: No, no, no. Go past this. Pass this part. In fact, never play this again.
7:39 PM
Lone Starr: I wonder, will we ever see each other again?
Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.
7:39 PM
Man, there are some weird, funny and spaz lines in Spaceballs. By now you should've figured out that Spaceballs is a total spoof of Star Wars.
7:42 PM
Time... for the castle!
11:16 AM
Darryl Kerrigan: This is going straight to the pool room.
11:16 AM
Darryl Kerrigan: Tell him he's dreaming
11:17 AM
Farouk: You have friend, I have friend. My friend go to your house, put bomb under your floor and blow you to fucking sky!
11:19 AM
im changing once again... scary moviessss!
11:22 AM
Tom Ryan: I've never been a good parent. Just ask my son.
Cindy Campbell: I did. What exactly is an "cock monger"?
Tom Ryan: That's not important right now.
11:24 AM
Tom Ryan: I'm not a very good father. Just ask my son.
Cindy Campbell: I did. What exactly is a "taint-licker"?
Tom Ryan: That's not important right now.
11:26 AM
Tom Ryan: [a football just hit Cindy] Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
Cindy Campbell: [Raspy voice] It's okay. My throat cushioned the blow.
11:27 AM
Tom Ryan: So sorry.
Cindy Campbell: Oh that's ok, I've taken balls to the face before.
11:27 AM
President Harris: [to the U.N] So, an Indian, a Frenchman, and the Pope are all on a plane. The pilot says, "Hey, are any of you not circumcised?" So the Pope lifts up his robe and says, "Shut up, stupid! You don't even speak English!" The Israeli asks the Japanese guy to open his eyes, but the Japanese man says, "I'm not squinting you crazy Jew, you're the one who sold me these cheap glasses!" What's the difference between a Belgian and a lump of dog shit? The Belgian drinks wine, but the dog shit smells good.
11:29 AM
Cindy Campbell: That last lightning bolt smelled like...
Rachel: ...A giant turd...
Tom Ryan: Yeah... the lightning...
11:31 AM
Secret Service Agent: Mr. President, the country is under attack by aliens.
President Harris: I'll deal with that later. Right now I want to find out what happens to the duck.
Secret Service Agent: More people will die!
President Harris: The people will die regardless. But this duck still has a fighting chance.
Secret Service Agent: Sir, I've read the book. The duck dies!
[the President spits milk all over the elementary school kids]
President Harris: Good God! That's horrible!
11:32 AM
Cindy Campbell: Oh, Brenda, I know you'd love him.
Brenda Meeks: What's his name, I may have already loved him.
Cindy Campbell: Tom Ryan.
Brenda Meeks: Yep, did him. Big Chinese dude, right?
11:33 AM
Harper: Sir, you're naked too!
President Harris: I am? I thought this was a wrinkly leather coat!
[points to his nipples]
President Harris: Then these aren't buttons?
Harper: No.
President Harris: And I've been pulling this thing up and down as if it was a zipper!
11:34 AM
Brenda Meeks: [Holding up Shaquille O'Neal's femur] I don't believe it! The aliens killed a dinosaur!
11:34 AM
Shaquille O'Neal: Am I gonna die?
Dr. Phillip C. McGraw: Push my head in.
Shaquille O'Neal: [pushes head in]
Dr. Phillip C. McGraw: Now release.
Shaquille O'Neal: [releases]
Dr. Phillip C. McGraw: [head shakes up and down yes]
11:34 AM
More Scary Movie:
Homeless Man: You got a dollar?
Buffy Gilmore: Get away from me, you bum.
Cindy Campbell: Buffy, can't you see he's hungry? Here you go, sir, a nice sandwich.
Homeless Man: I said a dollar, bitch.
8:07 PM
Cindy's Dad: I thought I heard screaming in here!
Cindy Campbell: No, no daddy.
Cindy's Dad: No, Maybe it could have been the crack I smoked earlier.
8:13 PM
Cindy Campbell: Someone murdered my friends!
Cindy's Dad: Yeah! And the sick bastard planted drugs all over the house!
8:14 PM
Ghost Voice: Cindy! I want you to know to what happened to me... Look in the music room! Check the music room!
Cindy Campbell: Where are you?
Ghost Voice: Check the fucking music room!
12:28 AM
Hanson: All right, who's ready for a wing?
Dwight Hartman: Yours or the turkeys?
12:32 AM
Dwight Hartman: Okay, thanks, "Handyman".
Hanson: I'm actually the caretaker. Oh, aren't those cool new skates? Now you be careful with those, you don't want to fall and break something.
Dwight Hartman: Oh, that's funny, that's real funny. Um, let me give you a "hand."
[starts clapping]
Hanson: Why, that's awful kind of you. Why don't you give me a "standing ovation?"
Dwight Hartman: Why don't you "lift me up?"
Hanson: Ha, ok, I see where you're going with this one. You look familiar to me. Were you in "STOMP"?
Dwight Hartman: Hey you can kiss my grits!
Hanson: I think I'll be the bigger man, now, and walk away. "Walk" away.
12:32 AM
[on the phone]
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Cindy: What? Willie Mays?
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Cindy: What?
Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Kind of.
Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Yes. Perfect.
Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.
Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?
Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.
Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?
Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.
Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?
Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?
Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.
Tabitha's Voice: Then no.
Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.
Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.
12:37 AM
[After crashing his car and killing Tom's wife]
Sayaman: Tom, I'm going to need a ride home.
12:39 AM
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